An open letter to my anxiety… I can and I will defeat you!

An open letter to my anxiety… I can and I will defeat you!

Dear Anxiety,

You and I are not friends and we never will be, as soon as you realise this and leave me be, the better my life will become. I like to compare you to a squatter that I can’t get to leave my beautiful home and nobody can do anything to help me. Some days you are kind and invite me in for a cup of tea and then other days I can’t even make it to the front door without you trying to hurt me. You and I have a very strange relationship, it’s like being stuck in an abusive relationship that I don’t have the power to leave. But it’s not always bad and you aren’t always around, sometimes you go on holiday and leave me be for a few weeks and then other times you decide to become my best friend and we have sleepovers every single night. The kind of sleepovers you stay awake talking until 3 am and always regret the next day when you are exhausted.

I remember the first time we ever met, I was 13 years old at school and was struggling with the transition from teenager to woman. You introduced yourself and told me you would be here to help me through but trusting you was the biggest mistake I ever made, you made everything so much worse. At lunchtimes, we would sit together with my friends and you would whisper in my ear “Are you really going to eat that in front of people because now they will know why you aren’t skinny like them?”. Then the mornings before school, I would be doing my makeup in the mirror before leaving my house and you would say “Have you actually looked in the mirror today, you are so ugly aren’t you?”. The questions you would ask would play on my mind for hours and days at a time. You made me feel so worthless and alone. These are the kind of questions that can and have haunted me for a lifetime.

At the age of 16/17, we had a massive argument and you hurt me real bad, sending me into a nervous breakdown. At this point I felt like I couldn’t even leave my home, I wanted to but you took that power away from me. Something as simple as walking to the shop by myself I couldn’t even comprehend doing. You made me so angry for purposely trying to hurt me that I took this out on my friends and family and everyone else close to me. Teachers thought I was a “naughty child” but for me, it was a coping mechanism for the pain you were putting me through. By the age of 18, I had found someone to replace you with and that was when I got my first relationship. Finally, you had disappeared and I was starting to become the happy, confident women I was destined to be. Within a few months, things started to get worse and you were always there to ‘pick up the pieces’ but in fact, it was you that was making it worse. I let you get the best of me in times when I didn’t need you around. You played a huge part in causing my pain and if it wasn’t for you things could be a lot different now. I understand everything happens for a reason but sometimes I wish that reason wasn’t you.

Still to this day you are next to me reading what I write and laughing at all the pain you have caused. You are still a huge part of my life but I’m learning to accept our differences. We are never going to agree on the same thing and you are always going to try and bring me down. The difference is now I know how to ignore you and push on ahead with that smile on my face. I’ve learnt to accept that you are always going to be in my life so whilst you are here, we might as well try to get along. Sometimes we fight and I get that but the next day is always a fresh start. I hope that one day we will be strong enough to go our separate ways but for now, i’ve accepted you are here. This letter goes out to the many people whose lives you have also touched. If we all stand together and support one another we can fight this and attempt to destroy anxiety once and for all.

Yours sincerely,

Ashleigh.

20 Comments

  1. Erica January 20, 2018 / 1:58 pm

    I can absolutely relate to this. This last week was an “every single night” week and it’s the most exhausting thing ever. You can do this, we are both stronger than this!

    • Ashleigh Davis January 20, 2018 / 2:16 pm

      Sorry to hear that but Just remember a bad week isn’t a bad month, year or life. It’s just one week of many! Hope you are feeling better now lovely and thank you for giving my post a read 😊💖

  2. zaynahshehraz January 20, 2018 / 4:22 pm

    I’m sorry to hear that you have been battling your demons. Remember that you are stronger than you believe and to be kind to yourself. Thank you for sharing such a personal account of your anxieties.

  3. Sophie January 24, 2018 / 8:26 pm

    It’s devastating that so many people including myself actually relate to this, stay strong girl xx

    • Ashleigh Davis January 25, 2018 / 2:39 pm

      Thank you for your comment, it’s sad a lot of people can! X

  4. Katie January 25, 2018 / 10:00 am

    This is so powerful, I can really relate and I’m sorry you have to endure it but you are so strong and even to write this takes guts. You’ve got this!
    Katie
    littlekaatie.com

    • Ashleigh Davis January 29, 2018 / 10:06 pm

      Thank you Katie! that means the world to me to have such support. thank you for taking the time to read and comment as well. lots of love x x x

  5. Raylynn January 25, 2018 / 6:47 pm

    Very good post! I can definitely relate!

  6. Maria January 25, 2018 / 8:22 pm

    I can’t believe how much I can relate to this. Just writing and sharing this is both a powerful and brave move, and I believe you got this! You can do this!! ✨ I’ve been having a couple weeks of the “every single night” visits.. and I find it exhausting the way it drains my days.. Thank you for sharing this post! ❤️

    • Ashleigh Davis January 26, 2018 / 7:59 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts! I appreciate it so much. I’m sorry you can relate to this so much, it’s a shame people have to deal with this, I wish you all the best lovely 💖

  7. Layla January 26, 2018 / 12:55 pm

    Can totally, totally relate with you. I hate how anxiety takes over me–it leaves me hurting and drained at the same time–and it’s so much worse, as it’s coupled with depression. But you are so strong, and thank you for writing this open letter.

    We’ll get through this, and we will win.

    Layla || http://www.legallyunblondeandbeyond.inspirelight.net

    • Ashleigh Davis January 26, 2018 / 8:00 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read. It’s horrible to think so many people have to deal with this and I’m sorry you are one of those. You’re right though, we will get through this together ☺️💖

  8. Dana Grayson January 29, 2018 / 8:15 am

    Powerful! Thank you…..it’s 3am and my squatter wont let me sleep right now

    • Ashleigh Davis January 29, 2018 / 10:04 pm

      They are the worse kind of nights aren’t they, just no you aren’t alone! hope things get a little better for you and thank you for taking a read, means a lot to me x x x

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